19 Jan... There's only a week left of holidays and i still can't stop stressing about this year. my mate warren told me to chill and just enjoy year 11. that might be okay for him. he isn't doing year 12 subjects and he doesn't have the family stuff going on that i do. wazza also isn't responsible for getting a whole soccer team into the finals, is he ;-)

I'm trying to stay positive but it's really hard when you are living with this person who's struggling to get on their feet after their whole world has crashed. you see last year mark had a psychotic episode and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. So mum has been at me to join this group for young people with mental illness in their family. she has been to a support group for parents and said it has really helped her deal with Mark's illness. she said it would show mark I cared. but I don't know, it all sounds a bit lame to me.

8 Feb... Well it's official i deserve a medal. we slaughtered trinity soccer club over the weekend. the boys are so stoked about the win. they think i am a real legend - but then they thought that about Mark 2 years ago and look what happened to him. imagine if they knew about mark and about my group. I bet they wouldn't think I was such a legend then. That's why the soccer boys are absolutely not going to find out about Mark.

4 March... I am now a full-on member of that group for young people dealing with mental illness. So far there seems nothing to it - it's just a bunch of people about my age sitting around eating pizza and crapping on about our families. The group is pretty good. I'm learning lots of interesting stuff about mental illness. I'm also finding out ways of living with Mark when his stuff is stressing me out majorly.

another thing is that I'm getting close to some awesome people. there is this one girl, sarah who seems pretty cool. u have to wonder why someone so happy is going to a meeting like this. also, the group leader, Rachel, announced at the last meeting that we're putting on a play about mental illness. it sounds really interesting and i have secretly always wanted to be the next Heath Ledger. he was a brilliant actor, dark knight is an amazing film.

8 April... I can't believe it! I've been given the boot by the coach. it all happened after i told him i couldn't make the big game. i thought I better just tell the truth, so I told him about all the school work I've got, Mark, and last year, and about the group that I go to and the auditions being on at the same time as the game. He went deathly quiet, which is pretty full-on for the coach, then said well it's your choice.... i thought he was okay about it. obviously he wasn't.

The monday after the team's big loss he called me in to his office and said he wants me off the team. coach said he's not sure that i am 'emotionally stable enough'... I couldn't believe it. I acted cool, but inside i wanted to pack up. Some of the boys have been giving me shit about Mark. even wazza.

13 April... i talked to Rachel about being thrown off the team. She was nice, she said that i could report coach for discrimination. Rachel must have called Sarah so she called me and asked if i wanted her to come over. I kind of wasn't in the mood but I said yes. We chatted and chatted. it's really weird. usually I have to explain myself, but Sarah just seems to understand. even when we kissed, it just felt... easy. it is so nice to have someone who is so easy to be around. I feel a bit freaked out by how much i feel for her so quickly though. So the breaking news is that now Sarah and I are officially going out.

12 June... Mark has been causing a lot of agro around the house... again. he is refusing to do anything during the day except sit around the house. when anyone asks him anything he full-on bites their head off!

I went over to Sarah's place the other night to help her learn her lines. she was acting really strange - like a major stresshead. I just couldn't figure out why. then it clicked - she didn't want me to meet her father. To tell you the truth I felt pretty freaked out about meeting him too. I was also freaked out by the whole place. it really smelt bad of damp or something festy like that. It was also difficult because seeing Sarah's dad started me thinking about Mark. I wonder what he will be like when he is Sarah's old man's age.

26 June... Oh my god - i have so much homework and so little time it's so not funny. seriously, i don't know how they expect you to blitz year 11 and have any kind of life. help i'm drowning!

10 July... I'm really worried about Mark. the other night I came home really late from a party and heard him talking to someone. when I tried to see who he was talking to he wouldn't let me in. I knew there was no one in there so I asked him if he was okay. he said he wouldn't come out because there were poisonous bugs in the carpet. he was totally freaking me out. I told mum about it and she said she's been worried about him too. mum's going to call his case manager, David, at the community health clinic and see how he thinks Mark is going.

Meanwhile, Sarah is acting all freaky and wont come out. I am trying to learn my lines for the play with no luck whatsoever. and I am about 100 years behind in maths. sigh.

26 Aug... Rehearsals on the play are starting to get serious. it's a pretty big commitment. and I'm just not feeling ok about school, I feel like I am always trying to catch up. It's all getting on top of me... arrgghhhhh.

Then, yesterday mum found out from David that Mark hasn't been turning up to his appointments and has stopped taking his medication. when mum asked Mark why, he said it was because there was nothing wrong with him. meanwhile, he is too scared to go outside his room. explain that!

Mark thinks everyone is out to get him. he'll only come out of his room to go to the toilet or eat... he won't even shower. he's really starting to smell. David, the case manager, comes round to check on him but says there are no spare beds at the hospital. He's not 'sick enough' and isn't violent he says. Go figure. Meanwhile dad refuses to do anything and just says that Mark's an attention seeker. He reckons that if we ignore what Mark's doing it'll all be fine. i don't think so.

12 Oct... Last week Mark took some pills... lots of them. on tuesday we didn't see or hear much from him and started to realise that something was not quite right. He'd put a padlock on the door, so dad had to bust it to get in. so he's back in hospital. I know it may sound strange but I'm just so relieved that he's somewhere safe. I just want my brother back. since he's been in hospital the house has been so quiet. but I'm still finding it hard to study.

29 Nov... it's been a hell of a year but exams are finally done. I really think i stuffed most of them up but as Mum reminds me i always think that... so I guess i should just chill till I get my marks.

as for the play - after all of the dramas on and off stage the play went off big time! the best thing was that my whole family came to see the play, even Mark got permission to go out for the night. because I play the father of a person with a mental illness I think dad could really relate to my character. I don't remember ever seeing dad crying in my whole life. but mum said that he was sobbing during most of the play. i feel so proud of that. I don't want my dad to be upset or anything - it's just that he has had a pretty bad time of it lately and I really think he needed to let off some steam. sometimes parents need someone to look after them too.

10 Dec... The whole thing with the play has me realise that i've been bitten by the acting bug in a big way. I always thought being a physiotherapist was what i wanted to do but I've changed my mind. I want to be an actor. It's such a buzz.

The other news is that Sarah and me and Jenna and Rani have been asked to become group assistants. that means that after christmas Rachel will train us up so we can help her run groups like the one that we were in. Another good thing that's come out of this is that dad has realised that Mark's illness is not going to just go away. dad's agreed to get family counselling and spoke to the psychiatrist at the hospital that Mark was in. so that's good, I just feel so relieved that he is finally doing something.