2 Jan...  Will I or won't I? The question that hovers over me like a black cloud. That's what I hate most about having depression - the constant indecision. Like whether to go back to school and repeat yr 12 or try and get a job. Mum tries to talk to me about it, because she's had depression, but - like I tell her - only I know how I feel. And it's pretty ordinary these days. I always thought I would definitely finish yr 12 and go on to uni... it just goes to show that you never know what life has in store for you! ;-)

When I got depressed in the middle of last year I couldn't get out of bed let alone deal with the stress of exams and so I left school. Now I am left with the choice of abandoning my dreams or going back and trying to make friends with the year below and handle the stress of schoolwork.

22 Jan... I thought a couple of weeks ago when I decided to go back to school the hard decisions were over. Little did I know that around the corner was another one... do I want to spend time talking about my depression with a pack of strangers at a support group or do I want to keep it all inside?

Well I've tried bottling it up before. A lot of good that did me. I became so suicidal i went to hospital. And what did i do there - spent lots of time talking about depression with a pack of strangers. So I think it is my destiny to join this group... and god forbid I should stand in the way of something as powerful as destiny.

13 Feb... Being back at school is such a head spin. Everyone knows what happened to me last year. I can see it in the way they look at me, the way they talk to me. But mostly it's the way they avoid doing either too often that's the dead giveaway. But whatever happens, this year can't possibly be as bad as last.

For better or worse I went to the support group thing. My parents were so pleased they offered, or more like demanded, to drive me. as I saw my parents walking away I had this flashback to when I was little and they went out in the evening. As they were leaving I would attach myself to one of their legs to stop them moving. I had to stop by reminding myself that I was 18 years old. I have to remind myself how old I am a lot lately.

11 March... Dr Peterson, my psychiatrist, says he is really pleased with how i'm going, especially considering the stress of starting the school year. I think he thought I would lose it or something. To tell you the truth I'm feeling much better in myself :-) i think i've actually been beginning to wonder whether I need to be on medication anymore. Dr Peterson isn't so sure though. He said to wait and see. But I can feel it. I still feel edgy but I don't have quite the same bad feeling that I had last year and earlier this year. I think i'm strong enough to deal with it myself now.

27 March... Group was really interesting this month. We went around in a circle talking about our problems. Some of the other people in my group have had to deal with some fairly serious stuff. Most of them were talking about their parents so they didn't feel as freaked out about it. But I had to talk about myself. Its pretty full on telling a bunch of strangers some pretty personal stuff. One of the girls, Rani, came up to me after the group. She started talking about how amazing it was that I came out the other side of my depression. It felt weird being told this from someone like her. She seems really out there and on the edge and yet she was in awe of me!!

Also at the end of the year the group leader Rachel is directing a play on mental illness and has asked anyone who's interested to get involved. Rani and a couple of others are auditioning for parts. I would be too stressed to be on stage but I thought i could do some backstage stuff. I mentioned it to Rachel and she said she wants to see my folio of art work from last year :-o

23 April... I think I've made and lost a friend in 1 wk flat ;-(   Her name is Rani and she's one of the other girls in the group. Last week she suggested that we go for a walk in the park after our group finished. I was so stoked. People haven't exactly been lining up to be my friend lately.

We went to the park and we started chatting about stuff. Private stuff. Stuff that I hadn't told anyone. It was all going well until she pulled out a joint and lit it. I knew I shouldn't have smoked it but the sweet smell reminded me of how much I used to love it. I took a couple of huge drags. I started feeling kind of edgy after a while about the police finding us there. The more Rani told me I was being paranoid the edgier I got. What an idiot.

I can't stop thinking about it. I feel like such a complete idiot. I hope Rani will still speak to me. I couldn't bear losing another friend :-(   They told me in hospital all about how smoking cannabis can make you feel weird but I didn't think a couple of puffs would be enough.

2 May... So the good news is Rachel flipped at my folio. I am really looking forward to designing the set. If I can manage to find the energy. I still feel a bit weird around Rani but she hasn't mentioned anything about our smoking session.

I decided to go to a chinese herbalist. Sophie, one of the people in my art class at school, swears by hers. So I made an appointment with Mr Xin. We spoke about how I was depressed. He said St John's Wort might be good for me to try but that i should ask my doctor. Sophie has been taking them and had some lying around so she gave them to me. I think this is a sign - I really need to start another remedy - antidepressants seem so unnatural.

14 June... I'm not convinced about the St John's Wort. I've been feeling really blah lately. not as bad as last year, but not too far off. I can't seem to get myself to do even the most basic of things. Everything just feels like such a chore. Take cooking. I used to love it but now I feel like I wish I could just do it once and be done with it forever. This is kind of difficult seeing as mum is away on business and dad can't cook. As you can imagine 3-minute noodles have been particularly popular in our house. I am so sick and tired of this horrible feeling :-( !!!

23 June... I've been missing school. I just can't seem to get out of bed, let alone face people in my class. I won't continue... it's just all so not worth it :-(

6 July... Well mum and dad busted me. Mum searched my drawers and found a full packet of last month's antidepressants and a nearly empty bottle of St John's Wort. She rang up Dr Peterson and told him what she found.

We all went in there and talked to Dr Peterson. I told them how I feel traditional medication isn't natural and how i felt forced into taking the other antidepressant medication by mum and dad. And how I thought that when I felt better I was supposed to go off them. Dr Peterson said he understood then asked me if I was diabetic would I take insulin. I said 'yes'... He said it was kind of the same with depression. He also said that there might be a time I can take less medication or that I could go off it entirely but he'd have to see. He gave me some more information on the type of antidepressant I am on so I can get a better understanding of how it works. I guess I feel relieved about the whole thing in a way. I just wish the medication would start working already. Meanwhile the play is getting closer. I really should get a move on fleshing out these designs.

9 Aug... I've really been getting stuck into the work for the set. Rachel and I finalised the design last week and on the weekend the set construction will start :-) Mum and dad have been kind of uptight about me putting so much time into an extra-curricular activity. They were saying 'if only you'd put as much effort into your yr 12 studies as into this set you'd do brilliantly'... And then the idea came to me. I asked my visual arts teacher Mr Holmes if I could submit the set design as my final assignment. We looked at the guidelines and he helped me write a submission that addressed all the criteria. I told him how amazing he was. He said he was just happy that I was getting so excited about something. I'm happy too.

The medication has sure kicked back in, thank god. It also helps that I am sleeping a lot better recently. If I make myself go to bed at 10pm each night, I sleep better and can get up earlier. If I get tired while i am studying I let myself have a power nap and that helps me keep going for the rest of the day. I sound like a boring nana but believe me flunking out is even more boring.

18 Oct... school has been kind of good lately :-)  Sophie, Jessica and I have been spending a lot of time together. We all do visual art together and are rushing to get our assignments in on time. This means lots of lunchtimes spent in the art room. We are all kind of similar. Sophie also told us that earlier in the year she had felt kind of bad too. She has never really got help for it, other than Mr Xin, though. So I told her to go to her GP or Mrs Jenson, the school counsellor.

They invited me to go to schoolies week with them :-)  I'm stoked. At first mum and dad weren't too keen on the idea. Dr Peterson says that all this stuff about my parents getting nervous all the time is because dad has a bit of anxiety and depression himself and worries mum about everyday things. The more I learn about depression and anxiety the more I agree.

12 Dec... Guess what - Rachel has asked me to be an assistant for the group. So I'll be spending the summer with Rani, Brett and Sarah being trained by Rachel. Which will be awesome, its so nice to be chosen for something like this. I wasnt too involved with those guys and the play after we finished the set, but i hear the whole thing went really well. i got some big compliments on my set design too. 

But the amazing news is that i have got 2 interviews for design courses :-o  so who knows maybe my luck is looking up. I wont get prematurely excited, but it feels damn good.