6 Jan... i 'm sorry i haven't been writing much lately. truth is i haven't really been home enough to do anything around here. i've mainly been working my butt off waitressing at the cafe. when I'm not working i've been hanging out at kel's place. her mum is awesome. she says i can stay as long as things take to sort themselves out with my mum. lately i've been doubting whether things will ever sort out. mum's schizophrenia seems to be getting worse again. she has stages when she is better and worse, but she seems to be sick again at the moment. living at kel's is made a lot easier by the fact that kel's older brother dean is not 2 hard on the eyes. i've kind of been fooling around with him some nights. nothing full on just kissing and stuff. BFN - xxx rani

2 Feb... after not talking to anyone about my mum for ages i went to see the great white dr davidson. i call her this because she is unreal and has the most awesome silvery white hair you have ever seen. just seeing her smooth hair relaxes me. it also helps that she knows all about mum because she has been our gp for yonks. it felt good to just offload all my feelings on her. she thinks i could do with going to a group for young people who have had to deal with mental illness. i told her that I wasn't mentally ill. she said that it was also for family of people with a mental illness. It sounds good to me, I'm gonna sign up. I could do with some therapy, no kidding.

when I got home that night my parents were sitting by the fire having a 'nightcap' as they call it (I call it getting blind). I told them about the group... well, talk about over-reaction. dad's response was 'we don't need our dirty laundry aired in public' as for mum, she started getting all stressed out about what i might say about her and how I might give out any of my personal details. they can forget it if they think i'm not going to go to the group because they are stress heads. I'm going to head over to kel's place. BFN - xxx rani

15 March... I knew i shouldn't have done it. every time I go out in public with mum something goes wrong. no-one else could go with mum to the community mental health centre so I had to take her. mum said it didn't matter if she missed her appointment but we all know what missing her appointment means. no appointment. no case manager. no psychiatrist. no medication. lots of trouble.

after the appointment mum asked if we could stop off and do some food shopping. there were lots of people in the supermarket. i could see mum seemed a little nervous, so we sat down at a cafe. she whipped out her cigarettes, ordered a milk shake, then when she got her drink she looked at it strangely and refused to drink it. she called the waiter over to our table and said she saw him put broken glass in it. the waiter got so nervous and was telling her she couldn't smoke inside too. we both tried to tell mum that no such thing happened. but when mum gets an idea in her head there's just no stopping her. so she kept going on about it in a louder and louder voice. everybody in the cafe was watching. it was hideous. i didn't know what to do because while she hasn't exactly been well, she hadn't been so full on with me in public for yonks. i called her case manager on my mobile but she was in a meeting. so i paid and we left. honestly, that's it, that is the last time i do anything with her again. Dad can bloody well sort it out. BFN - xxx rani

20 March... spoke to dr davidson about what happened the other day with mum. she said i shouldn't be so hard on myself. that i handled it fine. she also said something else interesting... she said the sooner i stop feeling that mum is totally my responsibility the easier I'll find it to be around her. she is right - sometimes i feel like i have to treat mum like a kid.

anyway, i better read through some of the lines that I am learning for the audition. we're doing this play about mental illness as a part of the group. word is on the street is that this gorgeous guy brett is up for a part. not a bad way to get to know him, me thinks. BFN - xxx rani

12 April... going to the group thing is good. i'm learning lots of stuff. i still think the people there a bit straight, but some are really good value. jenna and i hung out today. We went to a park, smoked dope and just chilled. she is really nice and bloody smart. i told her stuff about my mum, my family and even about the crush i have on brett and how dean and I have been fooling around. she told me stuff about her getting sick last year and going to hospital. to tell you the truth it made me feel a bit down on myself for always feeling so pissed off with mum. if you think about it logically it's no more mum's fault she's got an illness than it is jenna's. Problem is i just can't seem to be logical about it. anyway, we left after jenna got all paranoid that the cops could see us. she really should learn to just chill!.

also I got a part in the play - if you can call it a part. i am one of the psychiatric nurses. i get to be in all of 2 scenes and have about the same amount of lines. the main character is the delightful young brett... mmmmm. I can feel some quality rehearsal time coming up. BFN - xxx rani

8 May... i can't believe it. i can hardly bear to write it - dad is leaving us. when dad told us last week I thought he was joking. but he wasn't laughing. then i thought it was just a threat to mum. they are always bloody fighting and saying crap. but as the days go by i'm starting to realise that he actually means it. he has already taken a bit of his stuff and gone to live with a friend from work. i'm so pissed off with the whole thing that i don't even feel like doing the normal stuff like eat, sleep and go to work.

i am SO over men. I heard that brett and sarah are going out. word has it that she has practically been living at his place for the last month. Stupid men. BFN - xxx rani

13 June... well dad has been gone for 36 days - but who's counting? I miss him. last sunday he took rob and me out for lunch. I hardly touched my food, i just cant seem to stomach anything lately. dad was acting all nice and really trying to make an effort. he said he's proud of me for joining my group and tryng to deal with the whole mum situation. i think he feels really guilty about leaving mum. rob asked him why he left. dad looked all uncomfortable and said that he thought her illness would go away but it just seems to be getting worse. and he said that he cant stand feeling ashamed of her all the time and about what people he knows are thinking about him. it's not as if things are a bed of roses for rob and me. he's meant to be the bloody responsible adult around here. BFN - xxx rani

27 June... as of last week, i am unemployed. okay so i was late once or twice... all right, most shifts. but I have to get rob to school. and there was that time that i had to swap shifts around because Mum needed me to take her to the doctors. i didn't expect to be fired for it though! well I wasn't exactly fired. when my supervisor (or superbitch) got angry at me i wasn't just going to take it. i told her where she could stick her job. Being told off really started me thinking about full-on stuff like what I'm going to do with my life. for now though I am just helping mum around the house. and boy does she need it. for one thing the house is filthy. I did a massive cleanout and we found some scary looking stuff in the fridge.

It looks like I'm going to be hanging around here a bit more though - i have been banned from sleeping at kel's. her mum caught dean and i in his bedroom late at night. it was soooooo embarrassing. kel's mum just absolutely lost it at both of us. i really think she just wanted an excuse to chuck me out anyway - she has lost my respect in a big way. so it looks like I'll be stuck here for a while. BFN - xxx rani

7 Aug... on mum's birthday we thought we'd better get her a bunch of flowers. she's been having a rough time of it lately. i wrote a soppy card saying how much we love her. when she read the card she started crying and then hugged rob and me. she told us about how lonely she has been, especially since dad has left, and how we are the only things that keep her going. Its nice to hear but a bit scary when you think about it.

lately I've been using my time to learn more about schizophrenia. if there is one thing the group has taught me, it's that there is so much i don't know about mum's condition. i also gave mum this sheet that rachel passed around during group. it's about local places that run programs during the day for people with a mental illness. before mum got sick she was studying art, we still have some of her paintings hanging up at our house. and there is an art class as part of these programs that i reckon she'd like. she said she'd be too scared to go. she said she actually admired that i could become involved in the play and perform in front of people. being with people freaks her out a bit. i guess it will all just take time. BFN - xxx rani

7 Sep... not having a job is starting to get me down. I've got no money at all. my mobile's been cut off coz i didn't pay it. and I am so bored. mum hasn't even been around much, she has really gotten involved at the day program with that art class and some women's group.

i spoke to dr davidson about how I can get out of my career slump. she said i should think about what makes me feel good and then find a job that allows me to do it. so i've been thinking about it and what i love doing is helping people feel better about themselves. i think maybe i could do something like help people who have a mental illness. worth thinking about some more. BFN - xxx rani

8 Oct... after talking to rachel about her job i applied to a few courses - and earlier this week one of them called me and said i have been shortlisted! i have the interview next week! Now there's a bloody surprise, I thought they'd take one look at my application and toss it in the bin.

i have been doing a lot of thinking about study and work and stuff. about what stopped me from trying to get a qualification before. maybe dr davidson is right. she is always harping on about how i spend a lot of time angry with mum and doing things just to spite her. mum thinks education is important and so i knew one guaranteed way to piss her off was to drop out of school and get a job. but i guess it didn't work out that way in the long run. BFN - xxx rani

22 Nov... the opening night of the play went off without a hitch. rachel said I handled my lines (all 2 of them) with 'grace' ... you can bet that was the first time anyone has used my name and the word 'grace' in the same sentence. best of all my WHOLE family made it. It was nice to look out at the audience and see the 3 of them sitting there in a row. for a moment i almost felt like i had a normal family - AS IF! Actually, one thing i think the group has really helped me understand is that, when you look around, there actually is no such thing as a 'normal' family. BFN - xxx rani

15 Dec... talk about everything good happening at once... the big news is that I got into a course - diploma in social welfare at the local TAFE. i am absolutely rapt. Then mum got two of her paintings selected for a group exhibition, which she was so happy about. and then i was selected to become an assistant for groups like the one i went to. it's going to be awesome, I'm really excited!

The thing is, i really wanted to move out, but now with going back to school and being a group assistant it doesn't really leave much time for earning any $$$$ to live off. anyway, i've decided being with mum seems a bit easier going these days and lord knows she could do with my help around the house. so with my dismal financial situation, maybe home is gonna be where mum is for a while. it could be a lot worse. BFN - xxx rani