 |
 |
 |
|
they say good news comes in threes. this time it has. the first bit of good news is mum is getting 2 of her paintings selected for a group exhibition, then I got into the course. i thought both were too bloody good to be true. and then the third arrived. i was selected to become an assistant for groups like the one i went to. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 4:21PM
talk about everything good happening at once funky… the big news is that I got into a course - diploma in social welfare at north western metropolitan TAFE. i am absolutely rapt. now all i have to do is find a part-time job so i can look at moving out. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 10:57AM
have been doing a lot of thinking about becoming an assistant for the group. it will be an awesome experience. i’ll also get to learn what working in this area is all about. you see the thing is i really wanted to move out and with being back at school and now being a group assistant it doesn’t really leave much time for earning any $$$$ to live off. rachel says i better get used to it if I want to work in this area. anyway, i’ve decided with mum being a bit easier going these days and my dismal financial situation maybe home will have to be where mum is. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 11:47 AM
the opening night went off without a hitch. rachel said I handled my lines (all 2 of them) with ‘grace’. you can bet that was the first time anyone has used my name and the word ‘grace’ in the same sentence. best of all my WHOLE family made it. It was nice to look out at the audience and see the 3 of them sitting there in a row. for a moment I almost felt like I had a normal family - AS IF! Actually, one thing i think the group has really helped me understand is that there is no such thing as a normal family and thank God for that. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 11:57PM
looking forward to rehearsals tomorrow. i can’t believe there is less than a month left. as they say time flies. It is funny to think how close i have become to everyone. of course there is jenna, but I am also close to brett and sarah - who would have thought! it’ll be a tad strange when the group ends but we have all promised faithfully to keep in touch. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 11:22PM
i spoke to rachel about wanting to do similar stuff to what she does. she seemed really excited and insisted on making some calls to the TAFE places to get some info sent out to me. i applied to a few courses but i was sure they’d just throw my application into the bin. earlier this week they called me and said i have been shortlisted for entry. i have the interview next week.
i have been doing a lot of thinking about what stopped me from trying to get a qualification before. maybe dr davidson is right. she is always harping on about how i spend a lot of time angry with mum and doing things just to spite her. mum thinks education is important and so i knew one guaranteed way to piss her off was to drop out of school and get a job. Because she couldn’t work we never had much cash and i saw all the stuff my friends had and wanted it. but it didn’t work out that way in the long run. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 3:34PM
i spoke to dr. davidson about how I can get out of my career slump. she said i should think about what makes me feel good and then find a job that allows me to do it. so i’ve been thinking about it and what i love doing is help people feel better about themselves. i think i want to help people who have a mental illness. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 9:19PM
not having a job is really starting to get me down. at first it was a bit of a relief to have a break. i have worked since i was 15 years old and at some stage you need a rest. but after you have slept, cleaned and learned your lines (all 2 of them!) there is still a lot of time. worse than that there I have no money to buy stuff. take for example the funky shoes i saw at a shoe shop the other day for $115– no chance! then there’s my mobile that’s been cut off cuz i didn’t have the money to pay the contract on time.
there is the small matter of boredom. all my friends go out to work or school and i am left to twiddle my thumbs. even mum hasn’t been around much to keep me company. she has really gotten involved with this place i think it’s called a community support agency. she started going to the art class i gave her the pamphlet for. now she also goes to a women’s group. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 10:18AM
i gave mum this sheet that rachel gave us during group. it’s about local places that run programs during the day for people with a mental illness. before mum got sick she trained in fine arts. we still have some of her painting hanging up at our house. so when i
saw that there was an art class i thought she might like to go, but she says she still feels too scared. i think mum is still feeling kind of down about dad leaving. guess it will all just takes time.
anyway, i better get ready for tonight. a group of us are getting together from the play. it is still a bit weird seeing sarah and brett together but it helps that I think sarah is kind of cool. try as i might you can’t help but like her. it’s the first time i will see them in a full on party situation. wonder what it will be like. i wish jenna could come but her parents won’t let her. i guess i should be grateful that my mum is fine with me going out when i want. i think she realises that she can’t make me do what she wants. no one can . . . including myself. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 11:22AM
daughter of the year . . . that’s what mum called me last sunday. it was mother’s day and because of the bad run we have had lately i suggested to rob that we give mum a bunch of flowers. i also wrote a soppy card saying how much we love her. i say soppy, but i meant every word i wrote. when she read it she started crying and then hugged rob and me. then she looked at me and said ‘you are the daughter and son of the year’. she told us about how lonely she has been, especially since dad has left, and how we are the only things that keep her going. when she said this I felt special - both in a good and bad way. it’d be nice to blend in sometimes. but with streaks like mine in my hair who am i kidding? BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 8:33PM
lately I’ve been using my time to learn more about schizophrenia. if there is one thing the group has taught me, it’s that there is so much i don’t know about mum’s condition. i’ve been reading lots of stuff and spending time with jenna. she has been feeling kind of bad lately. i hope it’s not because she’s embarrassed about how she acted at the park the other month. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 2:44PM
so much for the supposed raise i was up for. as of last week, i am unemployed. okay so i was late once or twice . . . all right, most shifts. but I have to get rob to school. and there was that time that i had to swap shifts around because Mum needed me to take her to the doctors. i didn’t expect to be fired for it though! well I wasn’t exactly fired. when my supervisor (or superbitch as i now call her) got angry at me i wasn’t just going to take it. i told her where she could stick her job. Being told off really started me thinking about full-on stuff like what I’m going to do with my life. for now though I am just helping mum around the house. and boy does she need it. for one thing the house is filthy. I did a massive cleanout and we found some scary looking stuff in the fridge. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 9:09AM
i am so pissed off - i have been banned from sleeping at kel’s. her mum caught dean and i in his bedroom late at night. it was soooooo embarrassing. kel’s mum just absolutely lost it at both of us. how could someone i thought was so cool fully blow her top like that is beyond me. i really think she just wanted an excuse to chuck me out anyway - she has lost my respect in a big way. anyway, it looks like little old me is going to have to go home and face the music. if you hear any loud noises, u can bet they’re coming from our place. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 8:26AM
well dad has been gone for 42 days - but who’s counting? actually, i am . . . i miss him. last sunday he took rob and me out for lunch. it was one of those ‘all you can eat’ places. i reckon they made a killing on me. fifteen bucks a person and all i ate was some fruit salad and a bread roll. i just can’t seem to stomach anything lately (hyperlink to Maintaining a Balance).
dad was acting all nice and really trying to make an effort. i think he feels really guilty about leaving mum. rob asked him why he left. dad looked a bit uncomfortable and said that he thought her illness would go away but it just seems to be getting worse and that he can’t stand feeling ashamed of her all the time and about what people he knows are thinking about him. it’s not as if things are a bed of roses for rob and me.
seeing dad reminded me of when I was a kid I remember piggy-backs, and picnics and having someone around to laugh with. i guess she still does laugh sometimes. but these days when she laughs it takes me back to the old days. i sometimes get goosebumps thinking about how different it all is now. BFN – xxx rani
# posted : 9:25AM
newsflash - brett and sarah are going out . . . or rather staying in. word has it that she has practically been living at his place for the last month. when sarah told me I said they were a cute couple and meant it. after all anyone would look cute standing next to brett. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :6:45PM
that’s it i am SO over men.
i can’t believe it. i can hardly bare to write it - dad is leaving us. all right, he is leaving mum, but rob and i live here too . . . well kind of. when dad told us last week I acted like it was a joke. but he wasn’t laughing. then i thought it was another thing that parents say to each other when they fight - and man do my folks do a lot of that. but as the days go by I’m starting to realise something horrible - dad meant what he said. this time i
think he really means business. for one thing he made sure he was home for dinner last tuesday so he could tell us about his decision . . . and he is never home for dinner on weekdays. he has taken a bit of his stuff and gone to live with a friend from work. i’m so pissed off with the whole thing that i don’t even feel like the normal stuff like eat, sleep and go to work. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :5:43AM
i am starting to really feel i gel with the group. i still think they’re a bit straight, but some are really good value. jenna and i hung out today. We went to a nearby park, smoked dope and just chilled. she is really nice and bloody smart. i told her stuff about my mum, my family and even about the full-on crush i have on brett and how dean and I have been fooling around. she told me stuff about her getting sick last year and going to hospital. she also told me about how hard it was for her to repeat year 12 at school because it got around that she was sick. to tell you the truth it made me feel a bit down on myself for always feeling so pissed off with mum. if you think about it logically it’s no more mum’s fault she’s got an illness than it is jenna’s. Problem is i just can’t seem to be logical about it. anyway, it was a kind of awesome afternoon until jenna lost it. even though we were in the most hidden-away place she was suddenly convinced that the cops could see us. she really should learn to just chill!. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :8:39PM
well I got a part in the play – if you can call it a part. i am one of the psychiatric nurses. i get to be in all of 2 scenes and have about the same amount of lines. It reminds me of when I did calisthenics and i was santa claus in the christmas pageant. They gave me the role because santa was the only character that didn’t have to dance. at least the main character is none other than the absolutely awesome brett. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :7:55AM
spoke to dr davidson about what happened the other day with mum. she said i shouldn’t be so hard on myself. that i handled it fine. she also said something else interesting . . . she said the sooner i stop feeling that mum is totally my responsibility the easier I’ll find it to be around her. she is right - sometimes when I’m around mum i feel like i have to treat her like a kid, even though she can tantrum with the best two year old. anyway, i better read through some of the lines that I am learning for the audition. we’re doing this play about mental illness as a part of the group. word is on the street (or more to the point in our group) that this gorgeous guy brett is up for a part. not a bad way to get to know him, me thinks. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :11:49PM
I knew i shouldn’t have done it. every time I go out in public with mum something goes wrong. that’s why I try to get out of it. but this time there was no way out. dad had a job he couldn’t get out of, rob my brother is at school and mum is too scared to catch public transport. mum said it didn’t matter if she missed her appointment but we all know what missing her appointment means. no appointment. no case manager. no psychiatrist. no medication. lots of trouble. And so it was left to me to drive mum to the community mental health centre so she see her case manager and psychiatrist.
after the appointment mum asked if we could stop off and do some food shopping. because it was friday. there were lots of people in the supermarket. i could see mum seemed a little nervous. i asked if she wanted to leave but she said she didn’t. so we sat down and she had a drink. she whipped out a few cigarettes started smoking and ordered a milk shake. i thought the cigarettes would keep her calm till the drink arrived. when she got her drink she looked at it strangely and refused to drink it. she called the waiter over to our table and said she saw him put broken glass in it. the waiter got so nervous and we both tried to tell mum that no such thing happened. but when mum gets an idea in her head there’s just no stopping her. so she kept going on about it in a louder and louder voice. the whole restaurant was watching.
i didn’t know what to do because while she hasn’t exactly been well, she hadn’t been so full on with me in public for yonks. i called her case manager on my mobile but she was in a meeting. so i paid and we left. on the way out i saw one of the supervisors from the café I work in. he was there on his break and must have seen what happened. he asked if mum was ok. he seemed genuinely concerned but i could still feel my face go a red as a tomato. that is the last time i do anything with her again. that is it – rob or dad can take her. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :10:12PM
tonight when I went home my parents were sitting by the fire having a ‘nightcap’ as they call it (I call it getting blind!). they asked me what i had been doing. I think they half expected me to lie or mouth off like I usually do to them. but this time i thought ‘to hell with it I’m doing something for the good of the family i’ll tell them, they’ll be fine about going to the group, they’ll be fine’. well, they were far from fine. dad’s response was ‘we don’t need our dirty laundry aired in public’ as for mum, she started getting all stressed out about what i may have said about her and whether i gave out any of my personal details. they can forget it if they think i’m gonna stop going to the group because they are stress heads. i should go and pack my stuff and head over to kel’s place. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :1:11AM
i went to that meeting dr davidson suggested. it seemed okay. most people seemed a bit straight though. at first it kind of felt like the first day of high school. then it all got rolling and there was a good vibe. lots of laughs and smiles all round . . . even if they were kind of nervous. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :5:06PM
after not talking to anyone about my mum for ages i went to see the great white dr davidson. i call her this because she is unreal and has the most awesome silvery white hair you have ever seen. i have crazy thick black hair with pink streaks that come at you at all directions. so sometimes just seeing her smooth hair relaxes me. it also helps that she knows all about mum because she has been our gp for yonks . it felt good to just offload all my feelings on her. she thinks i could do with going to a group for young people who have had to deal with mental illness. i told her that I wasn’t mentally ill. she explained that it was also for family of people with a mental illness. seems they are on the first wednesday night of every month for a year. i told her that it sounds awesome but that i have to check my work roster.. i should be able to wangle it cuz i think they like me there – rumour has it i ‘m gonna be given a raise! BFN – xxx rani
# posted :8:56AM
i ‘m sorry i haven’t been writing much lately. truth is i haven’t really been home enough to do anything around here. i’ve mainly been working my butt off waitressing at the café. when I’m not working i’ve been hanging out at kel’s place. her mum is awesome. she says i can stay as long as things take to sort themselves out with my mum. lately i’ve been doubting whether they ever will. her schizophrenia seems to be getting worse again. she has stages when she is better and worse, but she seems to be sick again at the moment. living there is made a lot easier by the fact that kel’s older brother dean is not 2 hard on the eyes. i’ve kind of been fooling around with him some nights. nothing full on just kissing and stuff. BFN – xxx rani
# posted :6:44PM
|
|
 |
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
Rani, age 17
Favourite possession:
Leopard skin jacket (faux of course!)
Favourite animal:
Would it be freaky to say Leopard?!? - they are SO sleek and mysterious.
What I like about myself:
My honesty - it's won me a lot of enemies but even more friends.
Favourite celebrity:
Beyonce Knowles, singer and sctress - because she is so darn Foxy!
Favourite lyric:
In our family portrait we look pretty happy Can we work it out? Can we be a family? We look pretty normal, let's go back to that I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
- 'Family Portrait' by Pink |
|
|
|
|
|
){kind=link}
){kind=link}