27 Jan... I left school early today coz dad asked me to go with him to see doc singh, his psychiatrist. the doc wanted to talk to me about how dad has been going. i've only seen doc lewis once before when dad was in hospital last year when he got really sick with bipolar disorder.

That's on top of his anxiety, which makes it hard for him to go out of the house.

doc singh thinks that there are some other medications that dad might feel better on. i'm all for anything that will help him feel better. the doc started asking me how I was feeling. he said that heaps of people my age have to deal with mental illnesses in some way. said there's a group for young people that teaches them how to deal with mental illness. i've got the number, but I don't know if I should call. i don't have time to think about that now. stax and stax of homework still to do and it's nearly 9:30 pm. i wonder if theres lots to catch up on from this afternoon. I missed a double period of maths class so it's probably better if I don't think about it. :-I

6 Feb... I wasn't sure what to do about that group... on one hand would like to find out if there really are other kids like me, but on the other hand just don't know if i could talk about something so private to complete strangers. It all just sounds so phoney, going to a place where i know no-one and having to spill my guts. Anyhoo, i took the plunge and called the number that doc singh gave me. i spoke to rachel, the person running the group. she seemed really nice and that made me feel a bit better about the whole thing. hope i don't feel too weird there. i am just so sick of dad being sick. i'm sick of the washing and cooking and cleaning. Not getting one scrap of homework done. I know my friends don't have to do what I do.

23 March... omg i cannot believe it. sometimes i am so sick of my family. it all started when mr wines announced that we were having a mother-daughter information session as part of our human development class. the usual deal - teachers passing around tampons and talking about 'sexual intercourse' like they were telling us something we didn't already know. Mum wasn't exactly coming along... since mum and dad separated and she went to live interstate i've seen her all of 3 times... and one of these times was only for a day when she came down for work.

anyway, i asked my aunt mimi to come, hardly ideal, but better than dad. So 2 hrs before the thing is on she calls up and tells me she can’t come because my cousin phillip had the flu. knew it was a mistake to take dad along but he offered and just couldn't say no. all the mothers looked so glam in nice pants and shirts. then dad turned up wearing his dirty old worker boots, an ugly knitted jumper and a woollen hat… sometimes he has no clue. Then after the teacher stopped talking she asked us if we had any question. of course dear old dad raised his hand and asked why we weren't talking about the menopause. honestly, i just wanted to fall through the floor! i know dad can't help the way he is but sometimes i just feel so ANGRY at him for being the way he is.

14 April... exciting news... wait for it... I am going to be an ACTRESS. I got one of the main parts in the play our group is doing about mental illness. omg!!! It's a good play, I'm so stoked about it. Imagine, me, sarah hill - boring, plain and totally not glam am going to be fantastically rich and adored by everyone. It shall be brilliant.

I'm starting to really get close to some of the people in the group. everyone tries to be friendly to each other because we know what others are going through. there is this girl rani who is pretty hip, she dresses in these amazing clothes. i have also been having some good chats with jenna, she is pretty shy during group. We've been catching the train home together and she is really great, just more on the inside.

And I might as well just admit it... i am so obsessed with this one guy called brett. in fact i'd say i'm pretty much in love with him. i just get the feeling that he is one of those really amazing people. he is also in the play, so no doubt we will be seeing more of each other - what a pity! :-) i can't wait - want to see brett now!!

11 May... Guess who's going out with brett?????? ME!!!!!!!! ARRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!! we are in luuuuurv, we are officially going out!!! It is unbelievable. I went over to his place to cheer him up and... well the rest is history. omg.

23 May... i am sooo tired, was up half the night with dad. it seems like he's going through a bit of a rough period. last night woke up to the sound of the tv and went to the living room to see dad watching one of those home shopping shows in tears. thought to lighten the mood by making a joke about the show having the same effect on me. dad didn't laugh, he just couldn't. so i sat down next to him and had a chat about how he's going. he's not that great. he says he is okay, but can see he is finding it hard to sleep. he is not the only one. if i have another late one like last night i just don't think i'll make it through the day. need sleep now! :-(

12 June... brett met dad!!! had planned not to let brett and dad meet because it would be all too much. but the other night brett turned up unannounced to help me learn my lines. before I knew it brett was in the lounge room introducing himself to dad. then brett sat himself on the couch next to dad. dad was trying to be on his best behaviour but he gets really nervous when he meets new people. brett took the hint that dad wasn't a master at the conversation game and just watched tv even though it was some stupid nature doco. after it finished dad even offered to make us tea, which for him is like offering to make a four-course meal :-)

Afterwards, we went into my room to learn our lines. brett held me and we started kissing. I felt really at home and warm in his arms and just that little bit stronger for having such a good guy around me. it is nice feeling that there is someone who cares for me. he really makes me feel so good - it's like when he is around I feel like i can do anything. you'd think that would make me happy but all i can think about is what happens if he stops wanting to be around... what if he finds someone he likes rani better than me or realises that i am not the person he thought i was.

21 July... you will never believe this - centrelink have started checking people’s benefits and how much money they should get. what it means for us was that dad has just found out he might be getting nearly $40 less a fortnight. i promised him i would go with him to centrelink and sort it out. i am not going to get to freaked out by this. i mean surely something can be done ?!? :-<

9 Aug... okay, so just turning up to centrelink without an appointment was perhaps not one of my best ideas. we had to wait in the queue for ages. dad kept getting nervous and saying that he'd had enough and was going home. kept telling him to just hang in there and that everything would be alright, hoping that someone would prove me right. when we finally got to the counter we were told that he's getting re-examined to see if he stays on the disability support pension.

So now we might have to make do with a miniscule amount of money. could just cry. first thing i did was stock up on cans of baked beans and got some bread that was on special. i also had to cancel some plans i'd made - movies and stuff. I didn't say why. My friends are going to think i'm a complete lame-o. It is starting to get really difficult on this strict budget, everything is just that bit harder than before. instead of thinking twice before buying even the most necessary things must think a third and forth time.

21 Sep... what a relief - dad got reassessed and centrelink have said he's to stay on a disability pension. After all that business with centrelink he was even talking about trying to get a job!! I went out to buy the largest tub of triple chocolate ice cream to celebrate and between dad and me we downed the lot in one go :-)

But school is really getting me down. i've just got what must be THE absolute worst report in history. have been so exhausted by what's been happening out of school that haven't even given a thought to school stuff. it doesn't help that so-called 'friends' are getting tighter with each other and leaving me out. After not going out for ages my friends have given up asking me. I don't think any of them have any idea about what's going on for me. i am so tempted to drop out. i know what i want to do - i want to be an actor. so why stay?

22 Oct... i so love my friends from group. have been getting along really well with rani and jenna and now find myself really holding out for the group, especially with the play and all. i wonder what will happen when it finishes. i hope we all don't just go our separate ways, especially brett - just don't think i could handle losing him. poor brett he is having such a rough time of it all. mark is sick again and in hospital. went with brett to visit his brother mark and have to admit to being freaked out by it all.

23 Nov... opening night of the play was unreal - both in good and bad ways. i was all ready to go but dad was taking ages. so i went to get him and saw him just sitting on his bed staring. he looked liked a little boy who had just had a nightmare. i asked him what was wrong and he said he just felt too nervous to go out tonight. tried to pep him up but he just couldn't stop crying let alone get out of the house. i didn't know what to do. force him because i wanted him there? get angry at him because i felt let down? chose to try to make him feel okay and get a lift with brett's family. Anyhoo, the play went really well, I didn't stuff up, it was awesome. such fun. We went out afterwards, I cant remember the last time I had such a good time.

17 Dec... i passed year 10! must say i am really lucky considering the work I put in (or didn't put in). have made a promise to myself to do stax more work next year. the other fab news is rachel asked the 4 of us to do a training course over the summer. this means that we can help her lead groups like ours next year. will be great to get a chance to meet and help other people like me. it also solves the problem losing contact from my new friends :-)

have also contacted the local council and we might be able to get someone to come over to the house and help... cook a few meals and clean a bit. my fingers are sooo crossed. it would really free me up to do stuff that other people my age do - eat, sleep, work and just hang out a bit more :-)