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i passed year 10! must say i am really lucky considering the work I put in (or didn’t put in). have made a promise to myself to do stax more work next year. have also contacted the local council and we might be able to get someone to come over and cook a few meals and clean a bit. this would really free me up to do stuff that other people my age do – eat, sleep, work and just hang out a bit more :-)
# posted : 9:54PM
fab news - rachel asked the 4 of us to do a training course over the summer. this means that we can help her lead groups like ours next year. will be great to get a chance to meet and help other people like me. it also solves the problem losing contact from the gang . . . hopefully! :-)
# posted : 2:56 PM
even though the show ended last week we are still all on a major high. everyone was raving about the show and saying what a success it was so I think that has made it easy to stay high. i have to admit to feeling a little bit jealous of brett – the guy is a natural and everyone noticed as the season went on. dad calls jealousy ‘the green-eyed monster’. he says that jealousy can really make your life a killer if you let it. speaking of dad, he has been making more of an effort these days – he is always there for a hug and a chat when i need him :-)
# posted : 3:45M
opening night was unreal – both in good and bad ways. i was all ready to go but dad was taking ages. so i went to get him and saw him sitting on his bed cowering. he looked liked a little boy who had just had a nightmare. i asked him what was wrong and he said he just felt too nervous to go out tonight . tried to pep him up but he just couldn’t stop crying let alone get out of the house. i didn’t know what to do. force him because i wanted him there? get angry at him because i felt let down? try to make him comfortable before I went? chose to try to make him feel okay and get a lift with brett’s family. like they say the show must go on - and on it did. :-o
# posted : 4:22PM
i so love my friends from group. have been getting along really well with rani and jenna and now find myself really holding out for the group, especially now with the play and all. i wonder what will happen when it finishes. hope we all don’t just go our separate ways, especially brett - just don’t think i could handle losing him. poor brett he is having such a rough time of it all. mark is sick again and in hospital. went with brett to visit his brotha mark and have to admit to being freaked out by it all. gotta go - we are off to shop for material for our costumes. jenna’s mum has offered to sew costumes for the whole cast – maybe she is not so tight after all! just over a month to go before opening night :-)
# posted : 4:15PM
school is really getting me down. i’ve just got what must be THE absolute worst report in history. have been so exhausted by what’s been happening out of school that haven’t even given a thought to school stuff. it doesn’t help that so-called ‘friends’ are getting tighter with each other and leaving me out. After canceling so many arrangements they have given up on including me. i am so tempted to drop out. i know what i want to do – i want to be an actor. so why stay?
# posted : 10:02PM
what a relief - dad got reassessed and centrelink have put him back on a disability pension. . I went out to buy the largest tub of triple chocolate ice cream to celebrate and between dad and between us we downed the lot in one go :-)
# posted : 7:32PM
we sure had a great time at that ‘fancy restaurant’ brett promised to take me to. got all decked out in my best clothes and guess where brett takes me – to the local pizza joint! mind you, it was the best meal i had in ages. of course there was the food - went for the ‘all you can eat’ option. after so long on baked beans it was amazing to introduce some exotic foods to the mix – like meat, vegetables and cheese. then there was the company. in all my rush to get dad and i some money coming in had pushed away brett. i didn’t even realise it – turns out he has been really freaking out about it. he thought i was going off him – AS IF! :-)
# posted : 4:47PM
could just cry. i just have no idea how we were going to live on such a small amount of money for few weeks. there was only one option we would have to skimp! first thing i did was stock up on cans of baked beans and grabbed some bread that was on special. i also had to cancel some of the arrangements i’d made – seeing movies and going for dinner was just not going happen on this strict budget. It is starting to get really difficult though and everything is just seeming that little bit harder than it was before. instead of thinking twice before buying even the most necessary things must think a third and forth time. maybe brett will take pity on me and take me to a fancy restaurant?
# posted : 8:55PM
okay, so turning up to centrelink without an appointment was perhaps not one of my best ideas. we had to wait in the queue for ages. dad kept getting nervous and saying that he’d had enough and was going home. kept telling him to just hang in there and that everything would be alright, hoping that someone would prove me right. when we finally got to the counter we were told that he’s to get re-examined and apply again for a disability support pension. meanwhile, we will have to make do with the little bit of money we have. :-e
# posted : 12:05PM
you will never believe this - centrelink have started reviewing people’s benefits and how much money they should get. what it means for us was that dad has just found out he will be getting nearly $40 less a every second week. i promised him i would go with him to centrelink and see about getting it raised again . i am not going to get to freaked out by this. i mean surely something can be done ?!? :-<
# posted : 12:20PM
everything was getting pretty heavy with the play and all the stuff that is going down in our families as well as all the regular school stuff. everybody just wanted to let off some steam and have some fun. so we planned a bit of a pre show cast party…a small get together. offered to arrange a time. sounds easy enough, right …WRONG!!! jenna’s parents are pretty tight with her since she got depressed and so she has to get her folks permission to do pretty much everything these days. i make fun of her parents but deep down i really wish my dad knew where i was most of the time or that he even cared. anyway, the party turned out to be really big. but i think brett is getting heavy with me. i get the feeling he is not the type to do things by halves. ;-);-);-)
# posted : 10:26PM
am having another one of those sleepless nights . . . tossing and turning in bed. all i keep thinking of is the other night with brett. i wrote about him meeting dad what i didn’t say was after when we excused ourselves and went into my bedroom to begin learning lines. brett held me and we started kissing. I felt really at home and warm in his arms and just that little bit stronger for having such a good guy around me. it is nice feeling that there is someone who cares for me. he really makes me feel so good – it’s like when he is around I feel like i can do anything. you’d think that would make me happy but all i can think about is what happens if he stops wanting to be around …what if he finds someone he likes better than me or realizes that i am not the person he thought i was. enough negative thinking. should go and practice my lines. the last few days i have been on a roll in terms of learning my lines so better go with the flow and keep pumping. at this rate i might have to pull an all-nighter :-)
# posted : 1:13AM
the meeting of my two favourite men was a hit! OK we got off to a shaky start but ‘all’s well that ends well.’ should explain . . . had planned not to let brett and dad meet because it would be all too much. but the other night brett turned up unannounced to help me learn my lines. before I knew it brett was in the lounge room introducing himself to dad. then brett sat himself on the couch next to dad. dad was trying to be on his best behaviour but he gets really nervous when he meets new people. brett took the hint that dad wasn’t a master at the conversation game and just watched tee vee even though it was some stupid nature doco. after it finished dad even offered to make us tea, which for him is like offering to make a four-course meal :-)
# posted : 4:54PM
dad is going through a bit of a rough period. last night woke up to the sound of the tee vee and went to the living room to see dad watching one of those home shopping shows in tears. thought to lighten the mood by making a joke about the show having the same effect on me. dad didn’t laugh, he just couldn’t. so i sat down and chatted to him about how he’s going. he says he is okay, but can see he is finding it hard to sleep. he is not the only one. if i have another late one like last night i just don’t think i’ll make it through the day. need sleep now! :-(
# posted : 6:56PM
yesterday at rehearsals rachel got a bit tight with me coz i was stuffing up every other line. i kept calm on the outside but inside I felt so embarrassed – especially in front of brett. he had his lines down pat yonks ago. he says he has a photographic memory, but I have seen him memorising his lines in between scenes every opportunity he has. worse than that I can’t even hate him because we are in luuuuurv. yes, we are officially going out. maybe he will help me with my lines?
other than me being the brunt of lots of stuff ups we had the hippest rehearsal. everyone there is such good value. rani’s impersonations are so spot on. I love the way she can really act angry and upset, and can even cry on cue . . . even when it’s not in the lines. She is such a drama queen! :-I
# posted : 8:49PM
my mind is going in so many directions. tried to sleep but it’s really just not going to be a happening thing until i just full on admit … am so obsessed. i’d say i was in love’ but everyone tells me you can’t be in love with someone when you are my age. besides, hardly even know him. all i know is that there is this guy who i have been sitting next to a fair bit ‘accidentally on purpose’. his name is brett. i just get the feeling that he is one of those really amazing people …both inside and out. he is also in the play, so no doubt we will be seeing more of each other – what a pity! :-) the thought of spending time makes me feel excited but it’s like i can’t wait – want to see brett now.
# posted : 2:25PM
i can’t believe it - I am going to be an actress. me, sarah hill - boring, plain and totally not glam am going to be fantastically rich and adored by everyone. okay maybe not everyone, but a girl can dream. especially when my reality can be pretty shitty . . . well sometimes anyway.
I’m starting to really get close to some of the people in the group. everyone tries to be friendly to each other because we know what others are going through. but I’m finding that there are some people i’m really clicking with. there is this girl rani who is pretty hip, she dresses in these amazing clothes. the last meeting she came decked out in a leopard print jacket, knee high boots and a short black skirt. i have also been having some good chats with jenna, she is pretty shy during group. We’ve been catching the tram home together and she is really great, just more on the inside as opposed to rani who you only have to look at to see her absolute hipness.
# posted : 11:18AM
just when i thought things couldn’t get worse they have. i had finally psyched myself up to the fact that i had to go with aunt mimi to that mother daughter thing and 2 hrs before she calls up and tells me she can’t come because my cousin phillip had the flu. knew it was a mistake to take dad along but he offered and just couldn’t say no. all the mothers looked so glam in nice pants and shirts. then dad turned up wearing dirty old worker boots, an ugly knitted jumper and a woolen hat …sometimes he has no clue. Then after the teacher stopped talking she asked us if we had any question. of course dear old dad raised his hand and asked why we weren't talking about the menopause. honestly, i just wanted to fall through the floor! i know dad can’t help the way he is but sometimes i just feel so ANGRY at him for being the way he is. anyway, i better go. we are doing a play on young people living with mental illness and auditions are in less than 2 weeks so i better practice for my reading :-(
# posted : 10:22PM
can’t believe it. sometimes am so sick of my family. it all started when mr wines announced that we were having a mother-daughter information session as part of our human development class. the usual deal - red-faced teachers passing around tampons and talking about ‘sexual intercourse’ like they were telling us something we didn’t already know. all my friends were looking forward to it, for a laugh if nothing else. everyone had returned their signed slips saying they’d be there . . . all except little orphan sarah. okay, am not exactly an orphan but when it comes to the mother stakes may as well be. since mum and dad separated and she went to live in qld i‘ve seen her all of 3 times . . . and one of these times was only for a day when she came down on business. anyway, have asked my aunt mimi to come. she is hardly the perfect person, but it’s better than no one or (god forbid) dad. :-( :-( :-(
# posted : 8:26AM
went along to the first meeting of that group last wednesday. when first got there was early. i felt a bit stupid standing around and wished the group would start, it just seemed all phoney being at a place where i knew no-one and having to spill my guts. then i introduced myself to some people and cracked some jokes. they all seemed really nice and every bit as clueless as i was. we went around in a circle and had to say our names and why we were there. everyone was trying to act chilled but I could tell it was hard for others. one girl almost broke down. i never knew how many stories out there could be so similar to mine…it’s all too freaky. everyone got told about what the group is about and how it’s on monthly until the end of the school year. then we had to fill out this sheet answering some questions and saying what we wanted to get out of the group. :-o
# posted : 11:48PM
well i took that plunge. called the number that doc lewis gave me, the one for that group. i spoke to rachel, the person running the group. she told me to come along to the group. she seemed really nice and that made me feel a bit better about the whole thing. hope i don’t feel too weird there. :-o
# posted : 11:48PM
can’t stop thinking about that group doc lewis told me about. Just don’t know what to do -
on one hand would like to find out if there really are other kids like me, but on the other hand just don’t know if i could talk about something so private to complete strangers – might freak out or something. i told dr lewis that I’d think about it but he said i shouldn’t wait too long to decide because they only take 15 people and it starts in about 2 weeks. so tired of Dad being sick.:-I
# posted : 10:23AM
I left school early today coz dad asked me to go with him to doc lewis, his psychiatrist. he wanted to talk to me about how dad is going. i‘ve only seen doc lewis once before when dad was in hospital last year when he got really sick with bipolar disorder.
doc lewis thinks that there are some newer medications that dad might feel better on. i’m all for anything that will help him feel better (hyperlink to ‘Bipolar Disorder’). doc lewis started asking me how I was feeling. I said I was OK . . . after all it’s my dad who’s sick not me! then we got talking a bit more. doc lewis told me that heaps of people my age have to deal with mental illnesses in some way. said there’s a group for young people that teaches them how to deal with mental illness. i’ve got the number, but I don’t know if I should call. i don’t have time to think about that now. stax and stax of homework still to do and it’s nearly 9:30 pm. wonder if lots to catch up on from this afternoon. I missed a double period of maths class so it’s probably better if I don’t think about it. :-I
# posted : 9:23PM
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Sarah, age 15
Favourite possession:
My mobile - I SO couldn't live without it.
Favourite animal:
Hello Kitty - so far the only member of the animal kingdom to walk exactly like a human.
What I like about myself:
Being able to think positive... most of the time anyway.
Favourite celebrity:
Kylie - what she doesn't have in height she makes up for in personality (like yours truly).
Favourite lyric:
Some days you wake up with her complaining. Some sunny days you wish it was raining. Some days are sulky, some days have a grin; And some days have bouncers and won't let you in.
- 'Some days are better than others' by U2 |
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